Forgiveness

by Leila

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My goodness, has it really been February since my last post? Where did life go? You need purpose I said, you’ve too much time, you need to live your passion… I went and got myself a second part time job and, whoosh! Life’s been busy and full, AND I love working hard and my new job but that’s not what this post is about.

I’ve been personally dealing with a thing over the last couple of years that is simply the second most hurtful thing I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life. There’s no need to go into details, the need is to say the hurt was caused by me. I made a choice, decision, change of direction that I agonized over for months in my decision making process, because I knew the result would hurt a large handful of people I respected incredibly and a few I loved quite a lot, I knew it would hurt them deeply, really deeply.

Sadly I did it, made the choice to walk away and in turn made the choice to hurt, knowing full well it would. The last two years I’ve lived in questioning myself, my choice, my actions and in almost constant shame for hurting others. Life, it can be so filled with decisions that seem so easy and flippant, but when we think of the ramifications of our selfish acts and the others involved, it’s not easy at all. Wrong choices, mistakes, judgements and separation happens. It’s the truth of relationship and personal choices and convictions, as much as we want, none of us are able to live like Jesus. He, He’s the best.

I’m sitting on my porch, two years later from my choice, two years of pruning, growing, learning, finding peace and recently I have experienced forgiveness. This was meant to be a simple copy and paste of a forgiveness quote on my FB page, but then when I researched quotes… I found they are almost entirely about the forgiver, about forgiving when it’s not deserved, forgive but by golly don’t forget, forgive and free yourself and on and on. I was hoping to find something about what it means to be to be forgiven and I found nothing. What a perfect example of who we are as people; “look at me, I’ve forgiven when it’s not deserved, wow me, it was hard yet I did it!”

I in no way mean to discount the forgiver, that’s the entire reason I am writing this, to honor them. It’s that I was surprised, how little there was on the impact of being forgiven. It’s a big thing, like a huge thing. It brings a trepidatious joy of moving forward, past your shame and grief. I suppose it’s what all the quotes are about. Forgiving, really forgiving, choosing to love, forget, move on and accept it is quite a noble and lovely thing. To be on the receiving end, honestly it’s awesome.

What I’d like to say is being the recipient of that; it’s mind blowing, it’s humbling, it fills my heart with things I’ve been afraid to open up to for a couple years. It makes me think of the song Happy, it makes me secretly feel that way, in an inside private place. I am incredibly grateful for the undeserved forgiveness that I have received. Not just from Jesus, His is the biggest but from people here on this earth, that I have hurt, wounded and damaged. I am so sorry and your grace is appreciated and embraced.

 

I did find a couple quotes I liked a lot even though they were not quite what I was looking for.

This one, I feel it’s what my forgiver did for me:

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time-just like it does for you and me.” – Sara Paddison

 

This one, it’s what I’ve always known and now again seen in my forgiver:

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This one, it’s why I’m humbled, I’m slowly getting this. I am very thankful:

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It may seem crazy what I’m about to say……. Can’t nothing bring me down.

well sorry for the ad…

 

And if by chance you are reading AP, this one is for you. “I am sorry, I am thankful and your forgiveness, that I’m not even sure I’ve asked for is appreciated. Please forgive me.”

I may not have time for an email, but you’ve inspired me to write. xo

 

 

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