AS…

by Leila

As 2014 rolls into 2015 I am so hesitant to write on my blog; two reasons mainly:

My stalker has found my blog, adding a new post will cause her to respond by sending hate mail to my loved one, telling my loved one what a stuck up, selfish, snob I am. I have to remind myself exactly what I tell my loved one, “she’s mean and her hate makes no sense, she should be ignored.” Sheesh… if she only knew… Second, when I am inspired to write/share my heart often it’s because I am feeling the depths of the weight that life can bring and I’m desiring to express that. How un-fun is that for a New Years Eve post.

I am thankful beyond reason that I am no longer struggling with loneliness, because of where life had brought us to in Bend it was basically eating me alive. A new start and second chance was deeply longed for and I am humbled by the friendship and beauty that is being found here already.

At the same time there are things that cause a heavy heart that seems impenertable. Christmas was quite a challenge for me personally in almost every way shape and form.

A broken relationship that needs time together to heal didn’t happen simply due to circumstances beyond my control. Facebook, the ultimate of Christmas letters and all it shares and tells, seeing the perceived perfection in so many lives and wondering why is yours so hard and painful, where did I go so wrong? (I am guessing my own Facebook brings much the same message, one of the main reasons I’ve decided to go ahead and write this post) The inability to be with all of your loved ones at one time and the impossible attempt to balance that and deeply questioning if your choices are right because of those you hurt by not having the time with them you had hoped for. The pain of experiencing someone who’s life is filled with loneliness and uncertainty, isolating themselves even more when they are with you simply because they just can’t do it. The anger and misunderstanding of how incredibly hard it is to heal a shattered spirit and life. The awareness of how choices that you have made in order to help heal your personal self have hurt others and caused pain and rifts that only bring shame and confusion. The consuming fear for the choices loved ones make and if it will cause lives to become even more of a challenge. The mind that sometimes allows that fear to take control and imagine outcomes that you know you can’t bear.

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Last Night, I’d had enough. This battle of sadness in my head, the weight of worry on my soul. I got face down on my knees, a supremely better place to be than on Facebook and asked God for help. Don’t get me wrong, this is something I do always, last night, I simply felt a deep need to share with Him “I can’t take anymore right now.” and “Please Help.” The crazy thing about my personal faith is that ‘magic power’ it is so real. I am not one who tries to explain or even understands all the pain and suffering in this world, it is a bit big for my finite mind. I do know throughout the history of the world as we know it the cry for help to the Lord God is real and oftentimes we are met with a low whisper or even the silence of a lightened and uplifted spirit. That is what happened to me, my burdened soul was lifted and my load made a bit lighter, for this I am thankful.

The truth is all of the brokenness remains the same. Yet it’s a New Day even a New Year for crying out loud. I know better than anyone how great the true possibility for healing, hope and change is. In this moment, I am choosing to plant here and move forward in a mental state that realizes the good so much more than the bad.

For Christmas I had almost all of our children here in our beautiful new home. For Christmas I had all four of my grandchildren together for the first time ever. For Christmas Eve I shared Tamales, Margaritas, Cigars (well not me) and great conversation with my family. For Christmas I was given a gift so meaningful from my husband that I cried. For Christmas I had the most meaningful coffee date in my life with my daughter. For Christmas I was able to care for my Penny and Jack for 24 hours straight and strengthen my Nonahood with them. For Christmas I was reminded of the Christ Child and all He means to mankind.

I could go on and on, the blessings in life outweigh the broken by a thousandfold. I’m not exactly sure why I allow the sadness to devour. Sometimes I just do.

For New Years Bill and I have been graciously invited out to dinner with our neighbors, they are the sweetest guys who keep reaching out to us, what a gift. They are new here too and are fearless in sharing, “we need new friends too.” It is quite wonderful!

I wish you ALL, a New Year that is entirely HAPPIER than the last and in the places that it is not and may feel broken and painful, I wish you the strength to grow in understanding and love. Cheers to more TRUTH, BEAUTY, MEANING, PURPOSE AND LOVE that knows LIMITLESS boundaries.

And in the words of the great prophet Stevie Wonder (okay maybe not a prophet but what a great man he is and so filled with understanding of it all) where I stole the title for this post:

“We all know, sometimes life’s hates and troubles,
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space.
But you can bet your life, times that and twice its double,
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed.

So make sure when you say you’re in it, but not of it,
You’re not helpin’ to make this Earth a place sometimes called Hell.
Change your words, into truths, and then change that truth into love,
And maybe our children’s grandchildren and their great grandchildren will tell.”

Just listen, you wont be sorry.

AS

Love and God Bless

~ Leila

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