for heidi

by Leila


I almost didn’t renew my blog, I haven’t written in over a year, but Bill said, “it’s $26 just renew it” so I did. Thankfully I haven’t written because I find life incredibly busy. I’m thankful because I do believe that idleness is a great cause for depression. Having been an empty nester for years now, I’ve thus far succeeded with remaking myself/life and adjusting to the changes that I face. Actually right now I should be composing meeting minutes because it’s a responsibility that I hold at one of my volunteer positions. The hilarity in that is my inability to edit or even write well with my hands. Regardless of my shortcomings, I’m thankful for the little things that add purpose and meaning to my daily life. Depression is awful and I’m thankful not to be living in it. That said, that’s not what this blog post is about at all.

It’s about grief. I am struggling with deep grief this morning and I don’t know where to put it. Therefore I write my heart.

Someone died last night. No one told me that this person died but I knew because I saw the sketch that you see above on Facebook. I am really sad about this someone leaving our world too soon. He was good, so very very good. I barely knew him, I wasn’t even friends with him on Facebook, he probably wouldn’t know me if he saw me. Yet the impact he has on my heart is immense. It’s because he knew my daughter Heidi, so well. My grief is for the pain that I know she has, I know her heart is broken into a million little pieces.

Jack was the most incredibly talented singer, songwriter, storyteller, fiddle picking banjo player to children, that I personally believe every existed. The man exuded love, joy and fun. Then there was another side to him, the deep side, the introverted side, the brilliant side. Having worked together for years with side A, he and Heidi connected profoundly on side B. This is where the broken heart lays.

I believe that Heidi loves Jack almost as much as she loves Joe and just as much if not more than she loves me her own mother sometimes. Jack new Heidi, he got Heidi, he understood Heidi. I imagine that he actually understood her deep soul even better than I at times. Heidi is a deep, passionate and brilliant human being, I’ve often marveled at how that came out of me. For all of these I appreciate this man so sincerely but more than even that, it’s what he’s taught her.

It’s not that Jack proposed his life to teach my daughter. It’s that he did so by the remarkable human being that he was. His grasp on people, the history of the world, insight into the ancient scriptures joined with his humility and grace through incomprehensible times. This man Jack, as I said, he was a really good man. So good. I am entirely indebted to him for the goodness and gifts he gave to my daughter. Their friendship was unique and exceptional and I am so grateful that she knew him and he knew her so very well.

Heidi drew the star above, she draws really good, she’s so talented it’s crazy. Yet this star is one of the most powerful images that I known her to compose because of what it says.

My only pieces of ease in all of this are:

He was too good for here, his heart and life were so pure therefore he had to leave.

That he’s met up with your Aunt Bea in that place that those of us that choose to believe in called heaven and the two of them are there and they are Waltzing With Bears.

I’m so sorry Heidi. I love you.

~ Mom